Time and again, research shows that being part of a healthy community won’t just enrich your life, but can also potentially extend it. One study into loneliness and isolation, published in 2015, found that social networks can provide powerful protective health effects, increasing your odds of long-term survival by as much as 50%.
But what if you don’t already have a circle of friends or acquaintances, or belong to any group? How can you build a community later in life, when the obvious ways of meeting people – university, work, baby groups, the school gates – are no longer an option?
To help you find your people, and build a community in your 50s, we’ve researched these useful tips.
Pursue your interests
The best way to meet new, like-minded people is to go to the places they already are. So actively pursue your interests. For example, if you’re interested in photography, see if there are any local photographic clubs or courses. If you enjoy reading, find a local book club. Or if you’re sporty, see if any clubs are open to new members. I play pickleball and go to yoga classes each week, and have met lovely people through both.
If you’re not sure what your interests are, check out local colleges and community centres, as well as local papers and Facebook, and see what kind of courses and groups are in your area. You may need to try out a few before you find something that both catches your interest, and introduces you to people whose company you enjoy.
As a side-benefit to this strategy, you can also give your life more purpose by discovering and pursuing activities that mean something to you, and keep your brain active.
Find local groups
You don’t just need to follow a passion to meet new people locally. You can also seek out groups that meet socially, such as the WI or look for an event or group on sites like Meetup. Sometimes I even see people putting a post up in local Facebook groups asking if anyone would like to meet for a coffee as they are lonely. This might take them a lot of courage, but it’s always heartwarming to see how many people respond positively.
Many years ago, when my daughter was a baby I didn’t know anyone in my local town, and hadn’t found a baby group that was the right fit. I saw a Facebook post from a mum who’d lust moved to my town from London and didn’t know anyone. We met up and are still friends to this day!
Volunteer
Volunteering is a great way to meet new people, while giving your life more purpose. Depending on the kind of volunteering activity you choose, you can also keep fit and learn more skills, too.
There are so many volunteering opportunities – from helping out at animal shelters, to gardening, DIT and reading to children. There are a number of websites that can help you find local volunteering opportunities, including:
Even if you don’t want to commit to a regular activity, you can usually kind community events happening locally to join, such as park or beach clean ups.
For me, volunteering is an important part of my life. It helps challenge my brain and I enjoy meeting new people and working as a team – something I miss running a small business pretty much single-handedly. I an a governor of a special needs primary school, and was involved in my children’s school PTA for around 10 years. Many of my closest friends today I met through the PTA.
Get to know your neighbours
Your new best friend, or even just a friendly acquaintance, might be much closer than you think… they could even be on your street! If you don’t already know your neighbours, think who on your street or in your building might be someone you’d like to spend time with. Is there someone who looks friendly or interesting? If so, take the opportunity to strike up a conversation with them next time you see them.
If they respond positively, and it seems right, see if they fancy a coffee or walk sometime. It might feel like a bold thing to ask, but if you don’t you could both potentially miss out on the opportunity to make a new friend. And the worst that can happen is they say no.
Or, if this feels like too brave a step, or you don’t get the chance to bump into your neighbours, consider throwing a Christmas party or summer BBQ for your road or building. One of my old neighbours started a tradition of throwing a Christmas party for our road, and each year a different house took it in turns to host. Thanks to this party all the neighbours knew each other, and were happy to help each other out when needed.
Re-connect with old friends
I recently attended a friend’s 50th birthday dinner, and was delighted to find I was sat next to an old school mum I hadn’t seen for several years. I had always liked her and we often chatted while our kids were on playdates. But a busy life, and her child changing schools, meant we hadn’t connected for a long time. I was reminded of how interesting and kind she was.
How many people have slipped out of your life just because you no longer see them regularly? If you miss them, the chances are they feel the same, and either might not think of you on a day to day basis, or feel awkward about getting back in touch.
A couple of years ago, I had a Facebook reminder for a friend’s birthday. I’d been good friends with this person in Hong Kong in my 20s, and we’d kept up our friendship when we both moved back to the UK. But over the decades since we’d both married and had children, and she’d moved up north, so we lost touch.
I messaged to wish her a happy birthday and said it would be lovely to catch up, so we arranged a Zoom call. Talking to her was as easy and enjoyable as ever, and we organised another Zoom call two weeks later. A couple of years on, and we have a regular fortnightly video catch up.
If you have space in your life for new friends, try reaching out to your old acquaintances and friends. You might find that what you had in common years ago has changed and you don’t continue to keep in touch, but at worst you’ll have fun catching up. And who knows? You might find yourselves picking up your friendship where it left off, just like me.
Be open to ‘odd couple’ friendships
Often we look for friends with whom we have lots of things in common – similar age, similar life stage, similar interests… But some of the most rewarding relationships we can have are with people who are very different from us.
So don’t discount ‘odd couple’ friendships – by this I mean people of different ages or just very different interests or experiences to you. If you enjoy the company of someone much older or younger than you, then seek out that person’s company! Don’t let conventions prevent you from missing out on spending time with someone brilliant.
Be brave and start small
It may well feel daunting initiating a new friendship. It might involve joining a group, or asking if someone would like to spend time with you. But that bravery will reward you many, many times over as you push out the boundaries of your life and welcome new people into it.
I’m naturally a very shy person, but when I was 22 I bought a one-way ticket to Hong Kong. I knew no one there and had to learn to get over my nerves and just approach people in order to get to know them. It’s a skill that has stood my in good stead over the years. Some of my friends today I have met by taking the first steps and asking if they’d like to go for a coffee. Not every one ends up becoming a friend, but I would have missed out on meeting some fantastic people if I hadn’t been brave enough to ask.
Don’t worry – you don’t need to accost strangers on the street to meet new people. You can start small just by joining a local group and talking to the person next to you. If they seem friendly and interested, you can see if they would like to meet for a coffee or glass of wine sometime.
If you want a friend, be a friend
The best piece of advice about making friends I have come across is from Steven Crane, MS, Stanford social engagement research scholar. He says:
“My simplest advice is: if you want a friend, be a friend. Finding some way you can offer kindness to others in a sustainable, healthy way is your best chance at building meaningful connections, which support us in building meaningful, flourishing lives.”
And I have found this to be absolutely true. If you are kind, thoughtful, interested, reliable – basically a good person – then people will want to be your friend. They will enjoy and seek out your company, and introduce you to their friends, widening your social circle considerably. Over time you’ll find yourself with a wide community of people, of varying interests and including casual acquaintances and good friends. So not only will you hopefully live longer, but those years will be richer and fuller, too.
What can you do today to start building your community?
If you are feeling lonely, take inspiration from this article, and make a list of steps you can start taking to meet new people and build your own community.
